Www.amazon/books/Needle in a Haystack /Sally Edwards
I watch as they take you behind the velvet blind, I hear the furnace burning if only in my mind .they force the doors shut tightly on my very right to grieve, life goes on around me people come and people leave.all too quickly they tell me it’s time to stop your tears but they forget the love we shared so deeply for all those years. They can’t just tell me to stop crying you were taken away too soon just because I smile away doesn’t mean I’m “back in the room”. My tears were only starting to fall like a solitary dripping tap forced to put a plug in my heart and not speak of you at all. Many years I’ve hidden behind the wall I’ve build up inside my soul like a concrete dam built long ago it stands strong and it is tall. But now it’s time to unlock the door and let my feelings in so I watch the waters flowing and for a while I sit within, I sit inside the river made of gallons of my tears these concrete walls have burst open and I’ve let the flood come in so I will swim in this ocean it’s ending place Unknown I will trust in my instincts and just go with its natural flow its path will have many different twists and turns but I will swim with the tide for too many years I’ve sunk in misery but now I rise
pictures fill my vision of you holding me so young, reminders come in music with all the songs we have sung
I have a destination that I will eventually reach where these waters of my sadness can settle on a beach I’m not ready yet to let this go but its grip on me is unraveling tenderly and slow I want to get to the place where I cry for you no more and to my long painful grief I can say to it there’s the door
Sally Edwards 2016
I enter the small black box room I hear the familiar sound of my wheels rolling over the surface of the polished sprung wooden floorboards I smell the old musty paint which is chipped and crumbling off the deep red walls.the high positioned windows create an all too familiar pattern of rectangular shaped beams of light along the length of the room. Little has been Changed except the odd modification to the entrance and the addition of modern sound equipment mounted onto one wall. A modest sized understated room in a multi functioning premises, a gallery, a place of work, a place of many different crowds and congregations which ascend on these walls for a multitude of merriment and artistic demonstration.the very act of stepping into that place once again seems oh so simple to the unknowing eye but for me it plunges me back head first to a landscape of many different colours and shapes and secret pathways this is just not one simple place this was the epicentre of my kingdom the humble plant pot where my seed was sown and my roots allowed to sprout and blossom this tiny, humble sanctuary nurtured the roots of what is the chore of my existence and the diet in which I feisted on was so rich and plentiful taking one tiny incredible after another which cooked up,a dish or delicious self discovery, overflowing with floods of self expressionism in a way I had been banished from before . My kingdom was a playground for other like minded souls searching for an unspoken dialect from which they could communicate communicate deeply within themselves and outwardly to me in my kingdom I discovered a whole new world where my unique dysfunctional distorted skeleton had a new range of movement a voice, a presence to be taken notice of and for once I encourage this instead of desperately trying to blend in to the environment unnoticed. Week after week my people would come like a congregation attending a church in Sunday this was my church, my place of worship, to rejoice in my new found pleasure in this place, I was troubled, frightened brave experimental and finally after what seems like a lifetime I was true to myself as I allowed others to find many different ways to embrace me lift me aloft I had been searching for the courage to embrace me, and hear I had found me physically different, yes, deeply misunderstood, without question,I had been caught up in a web of denial, deceit ands suffocated in a blanket of cotton wool Which I had been choking on with no where to breath. Imagine then for a moment the devastation I endured as this kingdom was cruelly taken from me snatched away by men in suits in a kingdom far away much larger than mine with no apology and little explanation.in my kingdom I was free to twist and turn and leap and curl and unravel in any way necessary for hours on end I would invent new ways to spin and glide sweep and slide using the surfaces of the room , and the many different unique yet beautiful mounds of flesh muscle and bone of others each exchanging an endlessly evolving intimate language of dance. Over time I mourned for my lost kingdom as I packed up all evidence of my settlement and slammed the door shut refusing to speak a single word of you. Muted by the grief I felt for the loss of what I did what I learned what I had become I drifted off into a wilderness deeper and deeper I ventured until I was hopelessly lost. I abandoned the ruins of a kingdom taken down by enemy forces there was no ceremonial exchange no flowers nor wreath laid down to mark the spot where my universe crumbled no carriage clock or golden hand shake.
Like a wounded animal I escape the spotlight and delve deeper and deeper into a world of dark cold self doubt feeling like any old apple left out in the elements my chore had rotted away and was bruised beyond any recognition even to myself. Until such time by sheer coincidence I was pulled by a force unknown to me to try something new with the echoing sound of my kingdoms doors shutting behind me still I tread carefully onto a new landscape with ideas in my head and a fire in my belly eager to make people sit up and notice me again I was somebody I liked being somebody back then and I wanted that feeling again not for the validation of others but for myself who was I anymore can I be that person I used to be or is there someone new desperate to get out. So now I am not master but servant of my new kingdom the apprentice not leader anymore many hours of study await me any maybe in time I will have inherited a new kingdom of my own to dwell so I exit the small black box space and smile as I say goodbye to the past and embrace what lays ahead in my future
Sally Edwards 2017
Pride in the name of love those words are so true
who has the power to dictate who should love who
rainbow colours fill my eyes on a warm July day
people dancing all around so much to celebrate
pride in the name of love is what it’s all about
and love will beat your hatred of this there is no doubt
the rainbow blood that flows within our veins boils at the scenes, of gunshot wounds on victims and terrifying screams this is the work of God you say to condemn us all to hell but the God Ive known from childhood would spread love to all men..we stand strong together across oceans far and wide and defy your evil actions and comfort those who cry
love is love no matter what and this will never change we have faced so much discrimination and we shall do yet again
But I will continue to feel pride in the name of love so your callas act of murder will not scare us away because love is love is love at the end of the day so stand with me now family as we hold our heads up high and repeat after me pride in the name of love…pride pride pride!!!.
Sally Edwards 2016
Who gave you permission to walk up to my door, what right do you have to inflict me with misery my god I am so sore.
You show me no mercy but I refuse to give in, as you Paralyse me with spasms and send a shockwave of pain within. As my skeleton is creaking under all of the strain I refuse to sit here weeping and walk into my dark place again. A place so vast and Lonely a room of self loathing and hate, I will rise up again from this nightmare like the Phoenix from the flames.
I will show you to the door as you my uninvited friend are welcome here no more be gone don’t come back again.
The burning that rages down one this body of mine,farewell to the slashing blade that cuts deep from side to side .
Yes my spine maybe somewhat crooked and my shoulders may constantly seize, but my mind is fully functioning and strong enough to succeed. I will win this battle I’m fighting I will not surrender control, of my body mind and happiness you will not darken my soul. I need to learn to listen to the most precious thing I have my own existent is Held preciously in my own hands so even though I’m hurting I can sit here and smile, and you my uninvited friend are no longer a friend of mine.
Sally Edwards 2016
Ode To A Woman
Woman has beauty, woman has grace, woman cries tears with a smile on her face.
Woman is fragile, woman is strong.
The last one standing when all else goes wrong.
Woman has colour, woman has scent.
Woman has voice, let’s celebrate her song.
Naked and vulnerable in your arms I yearn to belong.
Woman is daughter, mother and child.
Woman has class like a vintage wine.
But above all else, woman is divine.
Sally Edwards 2016
By Sally Edwards
When I set out on this journey of literacy and Rhyme,with no goals nor expectations or any concepts of time, my thoughts were clear and simple my methods covered before, the need to represent us I feel more and more. with no drivers seat or compass to guide me on my way, my confidence grows stronger as I cruise on this highway. you can fill my head with poison you can punch me with your words, but my journey will continue with courage in every verse. I will not let your jealousy your envy prevent this adventure’s speed
I don’t do this for my pockets greed I do it for a need, a need to express myself a need to shout “I’m here”. I do it with conviction no longer filled with fear so continue with your vendettas don’t stop regurgitating your lies, I will carry on my journey graciously and smile. for I believe in my reasons as I realise my destiny, I will watch you fall around me as you run out of steam and as each day I turn new corners I will continue with my dream. for my journey is never ending and will always evolve, and nothing and no one will crush my passion nor my resolve . as the next chapter awaits me I walk with confidence and free,I hold my head up high for I am real I am me.
Sally Edwards 2016
I am delighted to announce that I will be on the authors panel at this years Lfest in Uttoxeter Staffordshire.lfest is taking place between 15-18 July.For tickets and further information please log onto Lfest.co.uk
I am delighted to announce that I will be appearing at Hampshire Pride 2016 .I will be reading from How To Love and available for a discussion and questions afterwords. I will have a stall selling copies of How To Love and some Merchandise .The event takes place on Saturday 27th February at Winchester Discovery Centre from 3pm.If you live local come along to this exciting day and come and meet me for a chat.
I wanted to put into context my reasons for starting to write. I am sharing with you a film made by a lady named Janet Jones. The film is called “Butch Losses”.
I had the pleasure of meeting Janet at LFest three years ago when I was invited to participate in a Q and A session at the screening of the film. This was the moment I had the thunderbolt of a realisation that there is very little, if not nothing in the way of exposure in the media of LGBT people living with disabilities and illnesses or conditions.
This realisation was the birthing place for “How To Love” and the many other novels which will follow. I hope that you enjoy Janet’s film.
WARNING : There is conversation of a sexual nature, adult themes and the occasional use of bad language within the film, so sharing with younger people is not advisable. Janet is an inspirational individual and if it wasn’t for our meeting my writing career may not have happened.
Janet still supports me in my career and I was delighted to giver her a character in “How To Love”. If you have read the book, I wonder if you can guess who she is?
Two of the biggest issues I wanted to cover whilst writing ‘How To Love’ were the different attitudes faced by someone who not only was disabled but also part of the LGBT community and the actual physical barriers faced within society in the UK.
So much about society’s view of disabled people has definitely changed for the better in my 43 years on this earth. I remember vividly how if I went to a concert as a very young person how I was forced to sit at the back of the arena. Not able to see a single thing happening onstage.
I remember countless occasions going on family Holidays only to find my wheelchair had been damaged or the inflatable wheels let down with no way to pump them back up. That meant having to spend the entire holiday with flat tires. So now I focus on modern-day life as a wheelchair user and here comes my rant….
It frustrates me greatly that I still come across venues who seem to ignore that fact that the DDA (Disability Discrimination Act) is in existence and they STILL don’t make their building more accessible. In addition, why are we still governed by out dated building regulations that do not permit changes to some buildings of a certain age?
If more proprietors would just wake up and realise there are many ways to get vital Access Grants more people could enjoy a better social life therefore spending more money and making the proprietors more profit. It is my experience that the bigger the venue the more they find excuses to not make these changes.
On a more positive note, since I have been socialising within the LGBT community I have come to witness that the smaller community based organisations/ festivals and unsigned uncommercialised bands/artists invest a huge effort to make venues/sites accessible. Spending time finding out what we as disabled fans/ punters need to be able to access the events they are creating and sometimes going far beyond what you would expect. If more venues used this example as a starting point we would all live in a much more inclusive environment.
If this does not improve, then I ask myself “how do I find more venues as a writer to deliver my work?” Whilst I value greatly the Disability Arts World I would love to be part of an Arts World for ALL!!
My final thought is how do we as a community get the powers that be take note and make changes.Reflecting on recent experiences I can hand on heart say that Goliath was beaten by David. The small community won this battle let’s keep fighting for equality for EVERYONE!!!
Whilst sitting on my couch at 4.30pm today exhausted it occurred to me that whilst working from home had its obvious advantages, no early morning alarm, no playing sitting ducks with traffic and no boss watching over you leaving five minutes early, working from home gives me a whole host of new challenges I had not considered before embarking on this life of being an Author.Being a bit of a party animal and night owl also gives me a bit of a knightmare when it comes to my time management .This all makes me think that all those wonderful Lesbian Authors out there are superhuman how do they fit it all in.I pride myself in being fiercely independent and I hate asking for any kind of help what so ever but as i am a wheelchair user sometimes some of those daily tasks others take for granted I face head on with dread and frustration. Looking at this from a more humorous side however, today I was sat in my kitchen, head in oven covered in cleaning fluid I had a flashback to a funny event which happened to me as a child.These childhood memories are becoming more frequent as I am writing the sequal to HowTo Love and this storyline takes the reader into Charlie’s life as a young school girl struggling to come to terms with being the only disabled student to attend a mainstream secondary school, over protective parents and the early stages of her realising her sexuality was” a bit different” to her classmates.Some people have commented to me that I should leave the idea of Charlie behind and move onto a different area but as she is almost me and my life I feel very attached to her life’s journey and all the events which have happened to her it’s hard to let go…others have said “write what you know” and I tend to agree with that philosophy. So when trying to solve my time management dilemma I think…do I find an office away from home, what and leave behind the option of being distracted by my daily dose of Ghost Hunting TV shows on day time TV and have to cover office costs, and not have endless cups of coffee to hand and biscuits..I don’t think so.No! I think my night owl days are numbered I need earlier nights so I can get up earlier and fit all my daily things in properly it’s either this or I hire a nice young maid…applicants apply within…!!! On that note I need to take myself from my iPad and cook my dinner and give my poor neglected four legged friend some much needed snuggles.Until next time ….WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!